And just like that *snaps fingers* there it is....

rev·e·la·tion

ˌrevəˈlāSHən/noun

noun: revelation; plural noun: revelations

1.

a surprising and previously unknown fact, esp. one that is made known in a dramatic way.


I had a revelation today.  Oh my word....it never occurred to me until like five minutes ago.  I had to lay my son down and ran to the computer to write this.



I'm still dealing with the anxiety/depression issues, but I have gotten better.  My doctor put me on a daily medication that I took myself off of. (Disclaimer: I do NOT recommend you stopping any medication given to you by your doctor without talking to them first. Don't you DARE stop taking a medication and say "Well she did it and it worked for her")  Why?  Because I didn't feel it was hurting me...but I didn't feel it was helping me either.  Paying $20/month for a prescription that isn't working - just isn't working.  

BUT I've been doing alot of thinking.  Yes...that can be dangerous in my case but it's an evil necessity.  There have been a chain of events that lead to this monumental brain event and like a slap in the face...I got my revelation.

What is it?  ---->  I have a fear of success.   *listening to the sound of the gasps and cell phones dropping*



I didn't stutter.  I did not type a wrong word.  I am scared of succeeding.  How did I come to that conclusion? 



I have gotten so comfortable in my rut (that damn devil....LIAR LIAR LIAR) that I'm scared to do better for fear that it's a set up.  I've gotten so comfortable being the center of my own pity party that I refuse to end the celebration.  *throws confetti* 

I have recently started making jewelry.  My husband was telling me to set up an Etsy page or a page on Ebay and then a PayPal account.  Rather than get excited, I started talking about how I didn't want to pay a listing fee on Etsy and then a fee for making a sale then pay PayPal for money going into that account, etc. etc. blah blah blah so on and so on.  I'm a Gemini, so my evil side is laughing at me while my good side is smacking me upside my head....then trying on the earrings I made and then smacking me again.  

I'm scared of going back to the gym.  I have a fear that I'll go to the gym and improve my health and become a better person for it.  Craziest thing I have ever come to terms with.  Who ever heard of someone being scared to going to the gym?  I know I need to get back into the gym and work out even if I don't lose a single pound (Yes, I'm still salty about that for those who know that story) but I've gotten so comfortable leaning on that story, I haven't been since November.  

BUT - this isn't as rare of a "condition" as you think.  It's called getting out of your own way.  I see people standing in their own way all the time.  I see people thinking they need other people to be successful and they don't.  

I can and WILL be better than I am now.  

As I look at the calendar, it's been almost a year since I went to the doctor and my blood pressure was through the roof.  Ironically that was the beginning of my anxiety/depression issues as well.  I made an attempt to correct the problem and didn't feel I was making any progress so I just stop putting forth effort all together.  

New fact that isn't an actually a fact but I'm calling it a fact anyway: Being comfortable is now a curse.  It can and will hurt you.  

Moral of this: A rolling stone gathers no moss.  I don't want to sit and grow moss.  I'd rather roll.  

*rolling on* 

*Busy Signal*

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor a specialist.  The things I say in here are not for medicinal purposes.  I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the symptoms that go along with it.  This is not meant to harm, offend or piss anyone off.  These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some comedy relief.  This is the way I am dealing with anxiety.  It has been said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But a nyways...grab a seat, a Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.

Some people think that if you busy yourself with things to do, that anxiety will stay away.  And it will temporarily.  Anxiety/Panic attacks are oxymorons.  They're dumb, but oh so smart.   

The tricky thing about anxiety and panic attacks is, it doesn't check your schedule to see if you have time to panic and be anxious.  It doesn't sync with your calendar on your phone to see what times and days you have available to be anxious.  You won't open your daily planner and see: You're scheduled to be anxious on Wednesday and Friday and EXTREMELY anxious on Saturday.  Sunday you're scheduled to have a full blown panic attack somewhere between 11am and 4pm with LOTS of physical symptoms that won't go away immediately after, so make sure you're at home.

I'm a Stay At Home Mother with a VERY active 21 month old. He wants to climb out of his play area, knock stuff down, change the channel on the cable box, look out the blinds (which wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't using all the force in his 31 pound body to pull on the blinds to look out of them), etc. etc. so on and so on.  He requires 24 hour monitoring.  While drinking his juice, he likes to spit it out on his clothes.  While eating, he likes to throw food on the flood, behind him and down his shirt.  I can't even clean up the house most days because I have to constantly keep my eye on him.  He's a typical toddler.

If I have any errands to run, then I have to drag the midget all over town with me.  He's usually pretty good but we all know you can move faster by yourself. But I don't mind taking him along.  We talk and see stuff and if he's good, I'll grab him some Teddy Grahams or a bag of apple slices from Sonic so he can munch on.  
Then once my husband gets home, if I haven't already started dinner, then I have to do that.  And clean up.   And do anything else I need to do.  Oh, I have to find 2-3 days to make it to the Y and do my 45 minute workout.  *whew*

With all that on my plate five days a week, where do I have time to be anxious?  I don't! And if anxiety was to schedule a time with me, I'd have to cancel and tell it to try again next week or next month.  In a perfect world...

But this world isn't perfect.  People that have anxiety/panic attacks have attacks whether they're bogged down with things to do or sitting at home watching paint dry. I've learned that the hard way. Anxiety/panic attacks do not care.  They're ruthless.  It has no respect for you, your time or your feelings.  It doesn't care if you're in a room by yourself or a room full of people.   

Anxiety - you....YOU SUCK.  And I don't have time for you anymore.  Consider yourself evicted!  In a perfect world....

And So It Goes.... 

Bah Humbug!

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor a specialist.  The things I say in here are not for medicinal purposes.  I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the symptoms that go along with it.  This is not meant to harm, offend or piss anyone off.  These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some comedy relief.  This is the way I am dealing with anxiety.  It has been said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But a nyways...grab a seat, a Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.

It's THAT time of the year again. 

I, personally, am thankful and blessed to have a WONDERFUL husband, an AWESOME son and family to spend the holidays with.  Some, however, aren't that fortunate.


I always wish there was something I could do for the sick and shut in during these times.  My husband was in the hospital for most of the holiday season last year and I saw people that didn't have friends or family visit them and it can tug on your heart strings.  

This year I'm also more partial to people with anxiety and depression.  They've either lost family members (whether they passed away or the anxiety has made them separate themselves from the family) and this time of year can deepen the depression/anxiety.

To people with anxiety/depression, we'll often stay away from gatherings anyway, but ESPECIALLY at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner?  Why?  There are hundreds of reasons why.  You think that if someone knows about your "condition" they'll tell other family members and you're wondering if Uncle Joe is looking at you because he hasn't seen you in a year or because he's thinking "Yeah...I heard she's crazy now"  

You think that once you sit down to dinner and start feeling anxious, because of all the activity going on around you, that will heighten your anxiety and you'll start acting weird and run out of the house screaming, ripping your hair out follicle by follicle or stripping your clothes off in the middle of the street because you're in such a tizzy.  

People are sitting around talking and laughing, but you're tired of the facade. Instead of participating in the cooking, making dinner preparation or trips down memory lane conversations, you sit there pretending to watch the Packers game or read a book/magazine.  Truth is, you're not happy and you have nothing to say to anybody because you don't want to bring down the mood of the atmosphere.   

Xanax (or whatever medication you're taking) is now your security blanket.  Commercials on TV and radio taunt you.  I mean, you can't even go into McDonalds without Christmas being shoved down your throat.  This makes you extra, extra anxious.  Unfortunately, for people that are extremely lonely or depressed, this is where illegal drugs and heavy alcohol come into play.   

This is my first year dealing with anxiety/depression so I don't know how I'm going to feel on Thanksgiving Day when my husbands family gathers at his grandmothers house.  Will I go or will I stay at home?  I can't determine that yet.  In my mind, I really want to go because I always enjoy myself.  AT THE SAME TIME, I don't want to have a "moment" or be in a mood and have my aura interrupt the good time they're having.  

So if you know someone with anxiety/depression don't FORCE them to come to your granny's house or your best friends cousins house for dinner.  Ask them to stop by.  If they decline, tell them you want to come pay them a visit.  If they decline that offer, don't feel bad or get mad at them.  You remember that old break up like "It's not you, it's me"?  Well it REALLY is them and you've got to respect their feelings and wishes as you want yours respected.  You've reached out and to them and that shows you care.  I don't know about anyone else, but that would make me feel damn special!

And So It Goes..... 

Depression CAN hurt.....

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor a specialist.  The things I say in here are not for medicinal purposes.  I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the symptoms that go along with it.  This is not meant to harm, offend or piss anyone off.  These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some comedy relief.  This is the way I am dealing with anxiety.  It has been said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But a nyways...grab a seat, a Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.

 *in my Sophia Patrillo voice*  Picture this.... *insert your city/state name here*....2013....

Imagine you got a good paying job.  In a two week time frame, you work your 80 hours and get your paycheck and see how much it is AFTER taxes and you're yelling "BALLER".  The next two weeks you work your 80 hours and get your paycheck and its the same amount.  This is a job you like AND the pay is great.  

Then six months in, you work your 80 hours in a two week time frame but your pay check is $100 short.  You ask payroll why and they tell you "We had to print your check because you don't have direct deposit so we charge for that"  You're upset and start making phone calls to the EEOC and writing letters to Call For Action because you're sure you're getting ripped off.  In the meantime, you switch to direct deposit because you don't want to pay that extra $100. The next two weeks come and go, you worked your 80 hours and you get your check and now its $200 short.  NOW you're spitting lava.  You stomp up to payroll and they tell you $100 of that went into processing paperwork for your direct deposit and the other $100 was a fee they charged you from switching from a paper check to direct deposit.

You're now LIVID.  You still hadn't received a call back from the EEOC and Call For Action said they got your letter and someone will call you back ASAP.

You work your 80 hours and get your paycheck and now it's $300 short.  You make it to payroll so fast you're not sure your feet actually touched the ground.  This week they tell you that $100 was for you coming to talk to them two weeks ago and was an agent fee, $100 was taken because the company switched payroll systems and they had to re-enter your information and was a processing fee and the other $100 was charged because you accidentally left the light on in your office and they metered the electricity and felt they didn't need to pay for it because you left the light on.

You are now cross eyed with fury and you go to your office and pack your box. You have put in the same 80 hours every two weeks you did before, but your company continued to take money out of your check for ridiculous reasons.  Nobody from the EEOC can give you a straight answer and Call For Action sent you a letter saying they had too many cases to cover right now and yours would be added to a list and they would contact you later.

THAT'S what my depression feels like.  In that story, my life is that job.  I live it and work hard and start receiving my paycheck (happiness, joy, love, etc). for all my hard work.  Suddenly, pieces of my hard work (life) feel like they are in vain and my paycheck (life rewards) is being snatched. I'm continuing to do my work (life my life) and work harder, but (like a snowball effect) I'm losing more of my paycheck (joy, happiness, self worth, etc.)  Basically the harder I work for my life rewards, the harder it is to maintain them.

I have reached out to the EEOC (my doctor) and Call For Action (other places that offer counseling) and have come up empty on both accounts.  The EECO (my doctors office) seems not to know what to do to help me and Call For Action (other counseling centers/offices) keep telling they can help me, but not during dates/times I can make it.  

You've seen that Cymbalta commercial saying "Depression hurts....Cymbalta can help"  It's not just a "mental hurt" it's physical too.  Depression and anxiety goes hand in hand.  My research and conclusion I've come up with from talking with other people is that the symptoms from depression and anxiety cross.  They also mirror other health issues and is always suggested you get a diagnosis from your doctor.  

I've had a few physicals this year and blood work and tests are fine.  These physical symptoms I'm having are all anxiety and depression related.  And it's a vicious cycle.

A persons BP is high because they're under stress.  Stress leads to anxiety.  Anxiety leads to depression.  Depression causes one to withdraw from society and mentally/physically hurt.  The doctor says that the BP will go down once the anxiety is absent but one is still stressed because their BP is high.  Stress leads to anxiety and anxiety leads to depression.... 

And So It Goes.....

Looney Tunes

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor a specialist.  The things I say in here are not for medicinal purposes.  I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the symptoms that go along with it.  This is not meant to harm, offend or piss anyone off.  These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some comedy relief.  This is the way I am dealing with anxiety.  It has been said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But a nyways...grab a seat, a Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.

Today I want to talk a little bit more where anxiety/panic attacks puts you MENTALLY.

I am currently using a self help kit called Midwest Center - Attacking Anxiety and Depression. My Mother In Law saw it on TV and called and ordered it for me.  I am on disc 2 of the 15 disc set but I tell you what...though it sucks that other people are dealing/have dealt with this, it damn sure feels good to know that you aren't losing your freakin mind!

My last trip to the ER made me REALLY feel like I was losing my mind.  I had all these things "wrong" with me and by the time I was wheeled back to a room, I was fine. My BP and heart rate had gone down.  I didn't have a knot in my stomach and I no longer felt like I was about to rip off all my clothes and run down the street screaming.  

Once the doctor came in and started asking me about what was wrong, nothing was (physically) wrong anymore.  And that's the thing that makes you think you have some kind of disease or schizophrenia.  One minute you're in so much pain you can't take it and the next minute it's rainbows and lollipops.  

Listening to the groups on the discs my MIL got for me,  I hear people talk about their experiences with anxiety and panic attacks and I find myself talking to the CD saying "YES" or "I KNOW" or "YOU TOO??"  A wave of relief rushed over me when I heard this because I finally knew I wasn't alone.  And all the reading in the world can educate you and help you, but there is NOTHING like actually TALKING to someone or hearing someone TALK about how they feel, what they're going through or what they went through.  

Some of the things that really bother me now is sensitivity to light.  If I'm looking at my laptop and then start looking at the TV, because the lights are different; it bothers my eyes.  Or if I'm looking at my cell phone and then at the TV, that too bothers my eyes.  There are times when I still feel like I'm headed to a mental institution, but I'm learning how to train myself NOT to think that anymore.  Once the anxiety and depression starts to ebb, the symptoms will too.

It was also a relief to hear these people talk about their experiences and hear where they are in their life now.  Sometimes I feel like this is going to be something that I have to deal with forever.  But it's not.  And these people were on meds and had panic attacks for YEARS.  10, 15, 20, 30 years.  I have only been dealing with anxiety attacks since May, I couldn't image how these people do it for as long as they did.

I told my husband that once I beat this, I want to become a CERTIFIED counselor to help people like me.  Since I've become kind of open about me having anxiety, people have opened up to me about their anxiety.  Even if I'm just an ear to listen.  Sometimes we just want to vent our frustrations and need someone that's actually experienced anxiety/panic attacks before to listen and confirm that we aren't on our way to Rubber Roomville. 

Now for some comedy relief.....

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor a specialist.  The things I say in here are not for medicinal purposes.  I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the symptoms that go along with it.  This is not meant to harm, offend or piss anyone off.  These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some comedy relief.  This is the way I am dealing with anxiety.  It has been said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But anyways...grab a seat, a Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.

One of the first things my doctor told me when my blood pressure was through the roof were two words that hurt me so bad.  Cut me DEEP.  I can't believe she's still allowed to practice medicine.  She told me until I could get my BP down: no coffee.  I looked at her and laughed before I said "I only drink one cup a day".  She proceed to look at me with that "Does it look like I'm playing with you?" look and said "No coffee.  You can drink decaf if you want."

I stood up and knocked her over, opened the door to the room and started knocking papers off desks, throwing whatever I could get my hand on and turning over the copier.  That's what happened in my mind...

In reality, a small tear escaped the corner of my right eye.  The lights in the room dimmed and the world was silent for about thirty seconds.  No seriously.  It was a soap opera moment.  My son was in his stroller in front of me drinking juice, eating crackers and laughing...but I heard not a sound....

OY!  I tried to quit cold turkey.  I even took her advice and tried to switch to decaf.  Decaf is the devil by the way.  Decaf tastes like filtered motor oil.  Not even dressed up with different flavored creamers is decaf anywhere near drinkable.  

 The first week was rough.  I woke up in a bad mood because I knew I couldn't have a cup of REAL coffee.  The mood swings...nothing nice.  So I told myself "It won't hurt you if you have a cup of coffee every now and then"  THEN the panic attacks started. I was STRONGLY advised by the nurse to let the caffeine go because it contibuted to anxious behavior and panic attacks.  Say what?  I thought she was nuttier than a squirrel turd.  Coffee was my EVERYTHING! 

So I told myself "SELF....You can do it.  NO MORE COFFEE"  And like a champ, I go against doctors orders and still have 2 cups a week.  My last trip to the ER, the doctor told me to leave the coffee alone (after I admitted to still drinking coffee).  I did tell her that if I had soda, it wasn't that often and it was either Sierra Mist or A&W, which is caffeine free so that should count for something right?  Ha!  She shook her head "NO" and said NO COFFEE.  I asked her if I could counteract the anxiety coffee caused by taking a Xanax with a cup of coffee.  She laughed and walked out of the room.  Come to think of it....she never DID answer my question......

And so it goes....

HELP WANTED!!

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor a specialist.  The things I say in here are not for medicinal purposes.  I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the symptoms that go along with it.  This is not meant to harm, offend or piss anyone off.  These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some comedy relief.  This is the way I am dealing with anxiety.  It has been said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But anyways...grab a seat, a Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.

The last blog I ended with talking about me finally agreeing to talk with a therapist.  Buckle your seat belt and get ready for THIS ride.....

Even though I'm from the big city, I'm currently living in Smalltown, USA.  The town in which I live is RIGHT NEXT DOOR to a military base. 

How is living next to a military base relevant to what this blog is about?  Soldiers and family of soldiers often have to seek therapy for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and so you would think there would be a plethora of counselors, therapists and medial social workers on hand here to meet those needs.  NOT!

My doctor and the ER doctor both had told me I needed to get help.  Talk with a therapist to "retrain" my mind and take my daily worries and convert them into positive thoughts.  It's easier pulling hornets teeth than finding a counselor you can sit down with and talk to.  At least in my experience. 

There is a center here that actually goes to employers and offers their counseling services for FREE. That should have been my first clue that these people were not worth the trouble.  

I called on September 20th to set up an appointment and she told me their first opening was October 31st.  (I'll wait while you count days/weeks)  Really?  I'm having severe anxiety attacks and I'm on the phone crying and you can't get me in for six weeks.  

I call my doctor and asked if there was anywhere else I could go and her nurse told me that the  center I couldn't get into actually had a walk in clinic and she gave the days and times of the walk in clinic.  When I called to verify the dates/times, the woman on the phone told me they didn't do the walk in clinic anymore.  

My wonderful husband gets on the phone and starts calling around trying to find someone I can go see and he gave me the names and numbers of the places that he actually made voice contact with.  I called one place, set up an appointment with a woman.  She could have seen me the next day, but I since I really don't want to drag my 20 month old to the sessions, I wanted to wait until that next Thursday where I could pay my $10 and leave him at the YMCA for 4 hours. 

That Friday I had a bad, bad panic attack and my husband called the same center that I couldn't get into until October 31st and they told him that they had someone on hand that could see me right then.  We get in the car and drive over there.  When I got there they told me I had to speak with someone at their "response center" and then they would give the okay for the therapist to see me.  Well, their "response center" is in a different building so they have this phone in the lobby.  So you expect me to stand in the lobby where there are other people waiting and tell you my personal problems.  EFF THAT!

The woman told me she would "okay" the therapist visit and I wait. And wait. And wait.  What they failed to tell me was that they had to call another counselor at another center to come over.  FINALLY the woman shows up.  We talk and she tells me to come back Thursday to the Walk In Clinic.  *record scratch* I explained to her I was told the walk in didn't exist anymore.  She said that was not true.  

Meanwhile, the other place I had an appointment at called and cancelled on me.  Go Figure.

So Thursday rolls around.  I drop my son off at the YMCA and go to the walk in clinic.  The receptionist told me that the walk in clinic was for people without insurance.  What?  I told her to pull up my file and look at the notes.  She read the notes and said "Oh okay, we'll see you today"  
I have a seat and I'm waiting....and waiting....and waiting....and waiting.  Finally  I get up and ask what the hold up was.  I was told that the ONLY person taking walk in patients that day was seeing people with appointments and I would be seen if one of the appointments didn't show up.

The ground started to shake....the sky darkened....the ground opened up and lava started spewing.  YOU GOT TO EFFIN BE KIDDING ME!!!  Your "Walk In Clinic" ONLY sees people if someone doesn't show up for their appointment?  They obviously don't know the definition of "walk in".

So that's the shit I've dealt with while trying to find a therapist around here.  That in itself has cause more stress than not attempting for find a therapist at all.  

What do I do now?  I take matters in my own hands.....