Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor
a specialist. The things I say in here are not for medicinal
purposes. I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the
symptoms that go along with it. This is not meant to harm, offend or
piss anyone off. These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some
comedy relief. This is the way I am dealing with anxiety. It has been
said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take
Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But a nyways...grab a seat, a
Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.
Today I want to talk a little bit more where anxiety/panic attacks puts you MENTALLY.
I am currently using a self help kit called Midwest Center - Attacking Anxiety and Depression. My Mother In Law saw it on TV and called and ordered it for me. I am on disc 2 of the 15 disc set but I tell you what...though it sucks that other people are dealing/have dealt with this, it damn sure feels good to know that you aren't losing your freakin mind!
My last trip to the ER made me REALLY feel like I was losing my mind. I had all these things "wrong" with me and by the time I was wheeled back to a room, I was fine. My BP and heart rate had gone down. I didn't have a knot in my stomach and I no longer felt like I was about to rip off all my clothes and run down the street screaming.
Once the doctor came in and started asking me about what was wrong, nothing was (physically) wrong anymore. And that's the thing that makes you think you have some kind of disease or schizophrenia. One minute you're in so much pain you can't take it and the next minute it's rainbows and lollipops.
Listening to the groups on the discs my MIL got for me, I hear people talk about their experiences with anxiety and panic attacks and I find myself talking to the CD saying "YES" or "I KNOW" or "YOU TOO??" A wave of relief rushed over me when I heard this because I finally knew I wasn't alone. And all the reading in the world can educate you and help you, but there is NOTHING like actually TALKING to someone or hearing someone TALK about how they feel, what they're going through or what they went through.
Some of the things that really bother me now is sensitivity to light. If I'm looking at my laptop and then start looking at the TV, because the lights are different; it bothers my eyes. Or if I'm looking at my cell phone and then at the TV, that too bothers my eyes. There are times when I still feel like I'm headed to a mental institution, but I'm learning how to train myself NOT to think that anymore. Once the anxiety and depression starts to ebb, the symptoms will too.
It was also a relief to hear these people talk about their experiences and hear where they are in their life now. Sometimes I feel like this is going to be something that I have to deal with forever. But it's not. And these people were on meds and had panic attacks for YEARS. 10, 15, 20, 30 years. I have only been dealing with anxiety attacks since May, I couldn't image how these people do it for as long as they did.
I told my husband that once I beat this, I want to become a CERTIFIED counselor to help people like me. Since I've become kind of open about me having anxiety, people have opened up to me about their anxiety. Even if I'm just an ear to listen. Sometimes we just want to vent our frustrations and need someone that's actually experienced anxiety/panic attacks before to listen and confirm that we aren't on our way to Rubber Roomville.
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor
a specialist. The things I say in here are not for medicinal
purposes. I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the
symptoms that go along with it. This is not meant to harm, offend or
piss anyone off. These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some
comedy relief. This is the way I am dealing with anxiety. It has been
said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take
Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But anyways...grab a seat, a
Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.
One of the first things my doctor told me when my blood pressure was through the roof were two words that hurt me so bad. Cut me DEEP. I can't believe she's still allowed to practice medicine. She told me until I could get my BP down: no coffee. I looked at her and laughed before I said "I only drink one cup a day". She proceed to look at me with that "Does it look like I'm playing with you?" look and said "No coffee. You can drink decaf if you want."
I stood up and knocked her over, opened the door to the room and started knocking papers off desks, throwing whatever I could get my hand on and turning over the copier. That's what happened in my mind...
In reality, a small tear escaped the corner of my right eye. The lights in the room dimmed and the world was silent for about thirty seconds. No seriously. It was a soap opera moment. My son was in his stroller in front of me drinking juice, eating crackers and laughing...but I heard not a sound....
OY! I tried to quit cold turkey. I even took her advice and tried to switch to decaf. Decaf is the devil by the way. Decaf tastes like filtered motor oil. Not even dressed up with different flavored creamers is decaf anywhere near drinkable.
The first week was rough. I woke up in a bad mood because I knew I couldn't have a cup of REAL coffee. The mood swings...nothing nice. So I told myself "It won't hurt you if you have a cup of coffee every now and then" THEN the panic attacks started. I was STRONGLY advised by the nurse to let the caffeine go because it contibuted to anxious behavior and panic attacks. Say what? I thought she was nuttier than a squirrel turd. Coffee was my EVERYTHING!
So I told myself "SELF....You can do it. NO MORE COFFEE" And like a champ, I go against doctors orders and still have 2 cups a week. My last trip to the ER, the doctor told me to leave the coffee alone (after I admitted to still drinking coffee). I did tell her that if I had soda, it wasn't that often and it was either Sierra Mist or A&W, which is caffeine free so that should count for something right? Ha! She shook her head "NO" and said NO COFFEE. I asked her if I could counteract the anxiety coffee caused by taking a Xanax with a cup of coffee. She laughed and walked out of the room. Come to think of it....she never DID answer my question......
And so it goes....
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor
a specialist. The things I say in here are not for medicinal
purposes. I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the
symptoms that go along with it. This is not meant to harm, offend or
piss anyone off. These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some
comedy relief. This is the way I am dealing with anxiety. It has been
said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take
Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But anyways...grab a seat, a
Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.
The last blog I ended with talking about me finally agreeing to talk with a therapist. Buckle your seat belt and get ready for THIS ride.....
Even though I'm from the big city, I'm currently living in Smalltown, USA. The town in which I live is RIGHT NEXT DOOR to a military base.
How is living next to a military base relevant to what this blog is about? Soldiers and family of soldiers often have to seek therapy for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and so you would think there would be a plethora of counselors, therapists and medial social workers on hand here to meet those needs. NOT!
My doctor and the ER doctor both had told me I needed to get help. Talk with a therapist to "retrain" my mind and take my daily worries and convert them into positive thoughts. It's easier pulling hornets teeth than finding a counselor you can sit down with and talk to. At least in my experience.
There is a center here that actually goes to employers and offers their counseling services for FREE. That should have been my first clue that these people were not worth the trouble.
I called on September 20th to set up an appointment and she told me their first opening was October 31st. (I'll wait while you count days/weeks) Really? I'm having severe anxiety attacks and I'm on the phone crying and you can't get me in for six weeks.
I call my doctor and asked if there was anywhere else I could go and her nurse told me that the center I couldn't get into actually had a walk in clinic and she gave the days and times of the walk in clinic. When I called to verify the dates/times, the woman on the phone told me they didn't do the walk in clinic anymore.
My wonderful husband gets on the phone and starts calling around trying to find someone I can go see and he gave me the names and numbers of the places that he actually made voice contact with. I called one place, set up an appointment with a woman. She could have seen me the next day, but I since I really don't want to drag my 20 month old to the sessions, I wanted to wait until that next Thursday where I could pay my $10 and leave him at the YMCA for 4 hours.
That Friday I had a bad, bad panic attack and my husband called the same center that I couldn't get into until October 31st and they told him that they had someone on hand that could see me right then. We get in the car and drive over there. When I got there they told me I had to speak with someone at their "response center" and then they would give the okay for the therapist to see me. Well, their "response center" is in a different building so they have this phone in the lobby. So you expect me to stand in the lobby where there are other people waiting and tell you my personal problems. EFF THAT!
The woman told me she would "okay" the therapist visit and I wait. And wait. And wait. What they failed to tell me was that they had to call another counselor at another center to come over. FINALLY the woman shows up. We talk and she tells me to come back Thursday to the Walk In Clinic. *record scratch* I explained to her I was told the walk in didn't exist anymore. She said that was not true.
Meanwhile, the other place I had an appointment at called and cancelled on me. Go Figure.
So Thursday rolls around. I drop my son off at the YMCA and go to the walk in clinic. The receptionist told me that the walk in clinic was for people without insurance. What? I told her to pull up my file and look at the notes. She read the notes and said "Oh okay, we'll see you today"
I have a seat and I'm waiting....and waiting....and waiting....and waiting. Finally I get up and ask what the hold up was. I was told that the ONLY person taking walk in patients that day was seeing people with appointments and I would be seen if one of the appointments didn't show up.
The ground started to shake....the sky darkened....the ground opened up and lava started spewing. YOU GOT TO EFFIN BE KIDDING ME!!! Your "Walk In Clinic" ONLY sees people if someone doesn't show up for their appointment? They obviously don't know the definition of "walk in".
So that's the shit I've dealt with while trying to find a therapist around here. That in itself has cause more stress than not attempting for find a therapist at all.
What do I do now? I take matters in my own hands.....
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor
a specialist. The things I say in here are not for medicinal
purposes. I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the
symptoms that go along with it. This is not meant to harm, offend or
piss anyone off. These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some
comedy relief. This is the way I am dealing with anxiety. It has been
said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take
Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But anyways...grab a seat, a
Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.
So when I first was told I had GAD in the ER, I was told to set up an appointment with my regular doctor. When I finally did, all she did was tell me about medication she could put me on and if you remember, at first I declined. I asked her what else could I do to stop panic attack and she told me Xanax.
She did tell me that therapy would help but one thing she didn't tell me to do. READ ABOUT IT!
Fast forward to another ER trip I took. It was in August 2013. This time I went in because it felt like someone was sitting on my chest and it felt like I had a lump in my throat. Here we go with another EKG, a chest xray, vials of blood and a cup of pee. Nothing but anxiety!
I told one of the nurses that I had been reading about it and she stopped me and said "There's your first problem, you shouldn't read about it. You should talk to your doctor."
Since was reading BAD? If I had not read about anxiety, the symptoms and whatnot, I would have taken thousands of trips to the ER and shoveled Xanax left and right.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Nobody could tell me anything about anxiety but I was being advised NOT to read???? The ER doctor couldn't tell me anything about anxiety either and he told me to talk to my doctor as well. As I said before, I asked her questions and she didn't know anything either.
Some of the best information I've received has been to reading. I've read information from Mayo Clinic, WebMD, Anxiety Centre and other sites. No, you can't go self diagnosing yourself from these sites, but if you've taken as many trips to the doctor and had ER visits like I have, then these sites are helpful.
My doctor told me I needed to talk to a therapist to help me. At first I didn't want to because I was fully expecting the therapist to tell me that I had to talk to my doctor. Finally I break down and agree to go see someone.
What happened? Come back tomorrow and I'll fill you in on that hot mess of a situation. But in the meantime, don't read anything. Chances are that you'll find some useful information and won't have to give up that copay.....
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor
a specialist. The things I say in here are not for medicinal
purposes. I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the
symptoms that go along with it. This is not meant to harm, offend or
piss anyone off. These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some
comedy relief. This is the way I am dealing with anxiety. It has been
said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take
Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But anyways...grab a seat, a
Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.
Do you know how many mornings I wake up and automatically want to take one of these pills? I mean right out the gate. And it's only 1000mg. Do they have a 5000mg pill or can I take a 1000mg pill every 2-3 hours? Yes, it's that deep. But I'm not asking the RIGHT questions. The right question are Where do they sell these? How much are they? Do I need a prescription? Can I take it with just water or do I need to take it with food? What are the side effects? Wait...don't really care about the side effects. No seriously, if I'm going to take a pill called Fukitol, am I really worried about the side effects? Nope....
As an anxieter, you always wake up trying to anticipate what the day will bring. And if the previous day was bad, you try not to let the events carry over. But it doesn't always work like that. I can wake up on a Monday, have a good morning, a GREAT afternoon and then by evening, my mind has slipped into this mode where I'm expecting to have an anxiety attack. Why? Because I had a good day, that's why. In my mind, if I have a good day my night is supposed to suck. If not, my day is not balanced.
My mind is saying "Okay, you had a good day. So now it's time for you to get a migraine, cry and crave peanut butter cups...for no reason!" Yes, anxiety is 24 hour a day, seven day a week PMS. And the PMS stands for PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
When I start to worry and/or have anxiety symptoms, I just want to wave my white flag and sit in the corner. That's the way it feels sometimes. All your efforts to think positive and have a good day can be ELIMINATED by just having anxious thoughts for five minutes.
I've read where if you feel yourself about to have a panic attack yell "STOP" over and over until you feel yourself calming down. I don't want to laugh at that but it's HILARIOUS! To me, yelling "STOP" can trigger your "fight or flight" mode which will drive you further into the abyss of anxiety.
My bad days physically drain me. I've released all my endorphins and I didn't even get off the couch and now I don't want to get off the couch because I'm endorphin deficient.
So the bad days are really for the birds. It can eat worms and fly away
like a bird. It can fly south for the winter and stay. Or better yet,
it can stay throughout the winter, freeze to death and die. #RIPAnxiety
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor
a specialist. The things I say in here are not for medicinal
purposes. I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the
symptoms that go along with it. This is not meant to harm, offend or
piss anyone off. These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some
comedy relief. This is the way I am dealing with anxiety. It has been
said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take
Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But anyways...grab a seat, a
Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.
What is GAD? Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GO AWAY DAMN-IT? I'll take the second choice for $500 Alex.
Anyone with GAD will tell you that this "condition" is for the birds and you want it to go away. There's a catch though. It doesn't just go away.
According to AnxietyCentre.com the definition of someone with GAD is someone who experiences anxiety on a day to day basis. The worry becomes chronic and causes them to worry about things that don't need to be worried about.
The site goes on to say: "Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder are always anticipating
doom, disaster, and the worst-case scenarios. They worry about
their health, money, family, work, and the world in general.
Their reason for worry is often hard to pinpoint. Even the
thought of getting through another day can bring on anxiety. Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder
feel that they can’t stop worrying, even though they know the subject
they are worrying about isn’t that serious." (via AnxietyCentre.com)
As if the "GO AWAY DAMNIT" blues haven't kicked in yet - we get to the physical symptoms of GAD. The daily aches and pains that you've never experienced before and now can't get rid of. There HUNDREDS of physical symptoms such as acute or chronic
fatigue; headaches; muscle tension, stiffness, and even debilitating
pain; general aches and pains; difficulty swallowing or feeling
like there is something stuck in their throat; trembling; uncontrollable
twitching; irritability; hot and cold flashes; profuse sweating
for no apparent reason; and lightheadedness or dizziness.
You can have one, ten or twenty of these symptoms at the same time. Some appear only when you're experiencing anxiety and some come and go as they please. And they don't just hang around for a few minutes, they can last for DAYS.
With these symptoms coming and going, it can wear on your nerves to where you think you're going crazy. I mean really, can I be hot, cold, sweaty, trembling, irritable, dizzy, stiff and numb all at the same time? And when you experience all this at the same time, you start thinking you need to be in a room with rubber walls singing Kumbaya and eating tapioca pudding because you sure don't feel "normal".
And so it goes.....
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, counselor nor a specialist. The things I say in here are not for medicinal purposes. I have found that writing helps ease my anxiety and the symptoms that go along with it. This is not meant to harm, offend or piss anyone off. These are MY thoughts and feelings and I've added some comedy relief. This is the way I am dealing with anxiety. It has been said that laughter is the BEST medicine, although I've had to take Lortabs in the past so I tend to disagree. But anyways...grab a seat, a Xanax, do some deep breathing and enjoy yourself.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Typical ordinary rainy day. I'm at the dining room table working on my laptop, my son is in his playpen watching his favorite cartoon. Then out of nowhere, I get this sharp pain in my right shoulder. It didn't feel right. Then something prompts me to check my blood pressure, as it had recently been all over the place. 200/100. I grab my phone and call my husband at work and told him I needed to go to the ER because my blood pressure spiked. Never mind that an hour before that, my blood pressure was 132/77.
He said he's on his way and I go to my room to put on some clothes (I was wearing pajama bottoms and sans a bra under my tshirt). As I walk into my closet, I got extremely warm and my heart was pounding through my chest. My vision blurred for a minute and I didn't feel right. 9-1-1!
As I'm on the phone with 911, I walk across the hallway to my neighbor to ask them to watch my son as I try to convince the operator I was having a heart attack. I sat down and suddenly felt cold. In my mind I was thinking "I'm going cold...heart is racing...this is the end! I'M NOT READY!!!"
The ambulance pulls up outside and I walk right out to the EMT and he asks me what's going on. By now I couldn't hardly catch my breath. He felt my pulse and asked me "Do you suffer from panic attacks?" My response was "Why are you asking me about panic attacks when I'm standing here having a heart attack?" He chuckled and told me if I was having a heart attack, I wouldn't be standing there talking to him like I was. My husband pulls up as I climb in the back of the ambulance and the other tech talks to him.
5 vials of blood, and IV, EKG and cup of urine later - I'm fine. My blood pressure is back to normal. I'm still rather cold and I can't stop my legs from twitching. The ER doctor comes in and starts talking to me about anxiety and panic attacks. In my mind I'm yelling "WHAT THE HELL DOES ANXIETY HAVE TO DO WITH THE HEART EPISODE I JUST HAD???"
He sees the confusion on my face and begins to talk to me about anxiety and asked me about any stress going on in my life. The previous eight months had held alot of stress for me and I explained to him the events that happened. He said "My dear, you suffer from what we call Generalized Anxiety Disorder."
Disorder? Anxiety? "Do I need medication?" I asked. He told me to follow up with my family doctor and go from there.
I pull out my phone find this website called Anxiety Centre and read up on symptoms. Oh Em Gee - that's exactly what happened to me.
I was in denial about having GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and didn't go see my doctor about it until a month later. I had had several smaller panic attacks and decided it was time to face the music. She wrote me a prescription for Xanax and told me to follow up when I ran out.
Today is Wednesday, October 16 and out of that prescription of 30 pills the doctor wrote for me in June, I still have 9 of those Xanax. So I'm doing good, right? Eh...wouldn't go that far.
Stick with me as I share my experiences, thoughts and happenings.
Welcome to The Daily Anxieter!
